As time moves on in this walk we are taking with Abba and His word, I notice that some things are changing. Not in His word but in me, my thoughts, what I think is OK and what I think is not OK. When Abba started poking my soul and pulling me out of the world I kind of understood that the Bible is one work but still had that life time of ‘worldliness’ and the churches idea of what the New Testament is and says in my understanding. As such I started this journey into Torah thinking Sunday observance is fine and Pork Chops are not a problem. I’ll bet there are plenty of these type of Torah people around but my experience is that once you start looking into the word the word starts looking into you.
I have changed alot, that is to say, our wonderful creator has changed me a lot. We read of the ‘new heart’ and the ‘new man’ promised by scripture but i can honestly witness to it as a real and receivable gift and it is open to everyone.
In my case my heart was stone, it was ice. I knew it then and I know it now. HaShem’s hand is still inside me, crushing the stone and replacing it. Each day brings a new lesson and another small part is broken. I have always been a polite person, the kind of kid who would say thankyou to everyone and apologised even when it was not my doing. But caring was not something that came easy. This is not a biography, many people have hard lives and bad experiences, my was no different. I think over the years it became easier to look after number one and a wall went up around my feelings towards my fellow man and my creator. Once up it was a fortress. But the problem with big, strong, stone houses is you are trapped inside. I suffered from panic, fear and all kinds of emotions regarding death and self worth. When I decided I wanted Abba in my life my heart was so hardened to Him it felt impossible.
This is the miracle Abba gave me, this new heart.
It took a long time. Slowly bricks were removed from the walls.. each brick showing slightly more stone heart. It seemed to take forever. I reached out to a great teacher and explained my situation and he said in every spiritual battle you need to make up for lost ground. Keep fighting and soon you will be on home turf. That was great and sound advice. When the wall was down I started feeling Abba directly changing me. It has been a slow and long process and even now it is not complete, there are still areas in me which need change and that is something I pray for.
I might just say this also, when I was a cold stone and I looked into myself I could see myself for what I was then. A man desperately trying to not believe that my actions have a cost, that investing in people is important and that I need G-d. That might sound unpleasant, but I find the view now much more disgusting. I look in now and see the hate, dirt, sin, filth and worthlessness. I see the years of waste and pride. I can see the time i spent sinning against Abba’s word. I can sit here now and see that even today I add to that sin and dirt.
Paul talks alot about a new man and an old man. I really get this. I can autopilot through an hour or two as my old ‘usual’ self. The sinful nature that has been my walk so far is never far away. I lack strength enough to keep the enemy from my door. The difference now is I know my sin. I can see it, feel it and recognise it. I feel its mould touching my heart but I am trying to keep myself Holy and clean.
Even when I sit and think about where I am with my heavenly creator, when tears are running down my face and the essence of my guilt is like bitter tasting blood on my tongue and i know my worth is but nothing without Abba in my heart.. I thank our mighty and wonderful creator for this new creation in me. A work not yet complete, maybe it never will be in this world, but one that is a blessing to me in each breath.
Thanks for reading.
Abba father, master and creator, king of the universe and all in it. Thank you for the change in me. For allowing your love to bring softness to stone and peace to chaos. Thank you for your grace and mercy, direction and guidance. Without you Abba I am lost and worthless.